Trump’s inauguration day: America officially great again

By Wyatt Redd | January 19, 2017

Trump’s inauguration day is today and the 25% or so of Americans who were really excited about voting for him must be thrilled. Though if they’re like most people they probably weren’t able to get tickets, which are given out by lottery among people who apply. But if you have the money, Trump is officially raffling off access to the new president on inauguration day for around a million dollars. And if that’s too steep you can hang out with his potato-faced son on a hunting weekend for just half that.

But even if you don’t get a chance to go, rest assured that with Trump’s inauguration day, America is officially great again.

For instance, no longer will we have to worry about immigrants pouring over our nation’s borders, taking all the good fruit-picking and landscaping jobs. And the country’s street corners will be completely taco-truck-free.

Of course, that’s all thanks to Trump’s pledge to build a wall. He’s going to build a “big, beautiful, wall” on the border with Mexico (henceforth to be known as Trump’s Wall), and the Mexicans are going to pay for it. Or… well… actually… parts of it are going to be a fence now (henceforth to be known as Trump’s Fence). And we’re going to pay for it with our tax dollars. But don’t worry, Mexico is totally going to pay us back once it’s done.

Seriously, we sent them an invoice and everything. That’s absolutely happening. They’re excited about it, actually.

And once the country is rid of low-wage day laborers, with Trump’s inauguration we will turn our attention to cleaning up the political system. As Donald has promised many times, we’re going to “drain the swamp,” starting with the trial and imprisonment of that arch-witch of corruption, Hillary Clinton. Or at least we would start there, but you know, Trump thinks it’s time for the country to heal. So contrary to his many, many promises, Hilary Clinton will not be the target of a special prosecutor.

That’s how a real President of the United States governs, you see. He doesn’t lock up his political enemies like some kind of third-world dictator. He merely promises to do it and then grants them a public pardon.

The swamp will be drained, though. Trump has appointed a crack team of incorruptible billionaires to assemble a top notch executive branch. Just look at former Goldman Sachs executive Steve Mnuchin, Trump’s pick to be the Secretary of the Treasury. I mean, that’s a former Wall Street executive in charge of policing Wall Street. Who better to root out corruption in the financial sector than someone with deep ties to big banks?

And as for Trump himself? Well, he’s a paragon of virtue. The man has business ties to Russia, Saudi Arabia, and dozens of other countries. But while a lesser man might have to sell his business so as to remove any possible conflicts of interests after becoming president, Trump says he shouldn’t have to because he’s honest and he’s just turning it over to his children. And they will in no way communicate with him about the business….ever.

See, his personal and public interests will be completely separate. His kids won’t even be involved in the government, except for his daughter, who will accompany him on overseas trips with foreign leaders. Like when they went to Japan to meet the Prime Minister and Ivanka tagged along. But she was just there to conduct her own business in the country when she followed Trump to that meeting with one of the most powerful men in Japan. Compleeeeeeeeteeeeely separate.

Also, her husband will be a top advisor to the president.  Sepaaaaaraaaaate.

#Swampdrained, son.

And not only that, but Trump is going to get to the bottom of this hacking business. In fact, he already did. He knows it was Russia. And he won’t stand for foreign interests intervening to get him elected. Normally… but you know, he was already elected so he’s not going to like, step down or anything. That would just be messy. Best to just stay the course and be more vigilant next time.

And what about political correctness run amok? Well, Trump’s inauguration is going to take care of that too. He’s going to make it ok to speak your mind again. That’s already happened in fact. Don Black, the creator of white nationalist website Stormfront, reports an increase in callers to his radio show as well as traffic to the website since Trump’s election. And hate crimes have gone up as well. But that’s not Trump’s fault. He didn’t tell anyone to do that, he merely ran a campaign that implicitly signaled to these people that those actions would be ok if he won.

Can’t blame him for that.

Speaking of crime, he’s going to go after all those women who falsely accused him of groping them. Those predatory women using sex crime law to victimize Donald Trump are getting sued. Or at least that’s what he said during the campaign. From where I’m sitting, it feels like Trump’s inauguration means that everyone collectively decided to drop the issue.

That’s just confirmation that these women were lying of course. I mean, it’s not like victims of a crime that’s notoriously difficult to come forward about and even harder to prosecute decided not to pursue legal action due to the fact that their victimizer was just elected President of the United States. Why would anyone feel that way?

And finally, we know that Trump will really tackle the big threats, like global warming and terrorism. For starters, he has a top secret plan to destroy Isis. It’s so great and so secret, in fact, that he’s keeping his cards close to the chest on this one. So close that if you didn’t know better you’d swear he doesn’t even have a plan. He does, though. Trust him on that.

And the few details he has revealed are widely considered war crimes under international law, so you know he’s going to get tough on these guys.

And on the environment, Trump thinks it’s extremely important that we protect clean air and water. That’s why he promised to abolish the EPA, the greatest enemy in the fight to keep the country pollution free. Also, the Paris Accords are out. That’s day one stuff for him. Those pledges to limit carbon emissions and take meaningful action on preventing climate change? Those were holding us back. Trump presumably has something better in his back pocket.

All that stuff is just the beginning of course. This former reality TV host is going to lead us into the future by taking us to the past when America ran on industry instead of high-tech skills and women and brown people knew to keep their mouths shut. After all, that’s when things were best for people like Donald Trump and in Trump’s mind what’s best for him is what’s best for America. And Trump exclusively does what’s best for himself.

And that means that, with Trump’s inauguration, America is finally great again.